Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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