Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
