Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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