I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
