omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
