paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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