dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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