Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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