haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
