I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
