i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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