I cannot find my penis.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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