The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
