umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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