and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
