i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
