are you still at the devil's house?
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
