He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
