I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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