cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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