mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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