You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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