instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
