My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
