He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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