i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
