I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
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