Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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