she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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