do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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