Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Randomize
