Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
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