The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
