Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I think I just sharted jello shots
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
