Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
So here I am, sexting at work.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
