was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
