I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
