He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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