I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
