Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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