Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
