they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
