Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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