Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
