I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
