so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
