Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
