i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
