Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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