This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
