I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
