god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
