one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
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