Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
