hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
