I need to stop coming to work sober
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
