even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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