she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
