If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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